Large Oilrig

Lars Ulrich, pronounced "Fu-Ck yo mA-mA" (born on December 26, 1963) is the drummer and co-founder of california Emo band, Metallica. He became a pioneer of fast thrash metal drum-beats and is highly influential as a drummer. He was born in BumFuck Nowhere, Denmark. He is regarded as one of the most badass drummers known to metal, even though many criticize his style as "simple." He has a beautiful motherfucking badass motherfucking voice while singing oasis gayass tune WONDERUCKWALL. He uses dragon bones as drumsticks and was mentored under dave grohl. AKA Jesus F'ing Christ. Dave grohl was the original drummer for nirvatallica. Before the great civil war of 1991 and it became to seperate bands. Leaving lars to fill dave's HUGE ASS BOOTS. But he couldnt. He is bald and gay. With a 23 foot long dick that james rides on instead of the tour bus. He is quoted as to saying " I FUCKING LOVE MEGADETH WHY CANT MY BAND BE LIKE MEGADETH FUCK YOU JAMES.......YOU NEED TO SING HIGH PITCHED LIKE DAVE BITCHASS MUSTAINE" He can fit 20 fingers in his buttpussy. He can also play drums.....and your mom, along with the tranvestite who works the corner by your house that your dad pays to tie batteries to his penis and give him electric shocks.

He is also rumored to have been the birthfather of pornography, because he as given birth to none other than fucking star Ron Jeremy. How this was possible remains to be seen, as he was seen fathering both Chuck Norris and Santa Claus at the same time.

He also invented Linux, and is the main shareholder of Apple Computers, since pissing on and then teabagging Steve Jobs grave. Since this incident, it is rumored he now writes Microsoft's anti-Apple commercials, which have him standing in a solid white room and shitting on a Macbook, then beating it to death with his 23 foot long penis.

He CAN suck James' golden balls through a 30 foot garden hose and has shown this at multiple aftershow parties in a back room with the band and several hookers. There has not been any footage recorded of this act, hower Dave Mustaine has been quoted saying, "HOLY FUCK I WISH I COULD DO THAT MAN HE WORKS HIS MOUTH GOOD DAMN JAMES YOU NEED TO PAY HIM TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING INSTEAD OF FUCKING THE DRUMS LIKE HE DOES EVERY LIVE PERFORMANCE AHHHHHHHH TESTOSTERONE IS SEX."

However, the above statement can hardly be considered accurate, because after this, he ran off in a roid rage, punched a hooker in the face, and then proceeded to have a chicken buttsex orgy with Smashing Pumpkin's frontman and guitarist Billy Shears.

Discography

 * Fuck 'Em All - 1983
 * Ride The Penis - 1984
 * Master Of Orgy - 1986
 * ...And Lemons For All - 1988
 * Metallica (Has Black Cocks) - 1991
 * Shooting a Load - 1996
 * Reloading the Load - 1997
 * St. Anger Fucks your MOMMA - 2003
 * Death MagFUCKnic - 2008
 * Sucking Lou Reed's Cock - 2011
 * Fade to Jack Black - 2014
 * DAVE GROHL'S APPOCALYPSE - 5 BC

Things Lars Ulrich is too fucking stupid to accomplish

 * Shit
 * Eat
 * Drum
 * Singing
 * Fucking
 * Being fucking retarded
 * sucking every member of the Beach Boy's Cock
 * Being Lars Ulrich
 * Piss
 * Talk
 * Clean his diaper

Things Lars Ulrich Can Do

 * Not a Fucking Thing!
 * Hey I heard you like to suck at drums. So I broke yo wrists.
 * He can fake singing by sounding like a Taiwanese hooker gargling 30 loads of semen on a Thursday night.

His accomplishment's in life

 * He is so far the only human being to successfully manage to have sex with himself by bending over backwards and sticking his own penis inside his ass. When asked to demonstrate this, he declined all further interviews and then went home to "have a crazy cocaine party with lots of bitches and James- i mean, Billy Corgan. Man, those chickens have tight assholes."
 * Lars has been rumored to have been Bill Clinton's bitch at one time. However, he was later replaced with Hillary Clinton, who was later replaced by Duke Nukem.
 * He managed to win the Nobel Peace Prize for being a bald cocaine addicted bastard. However, the title was recently stolen from him by Phil Collins.